Holidays and Grandparenthood

This Christmas we went to see and stay with my niece and her husband who just had triple bypass surgery and is slowly recovering. It was a time of people coming in and out, opening gifts and holiday babble so steady it was hard to follow every conversation. There were little ones tearing open presents while their mothers sat down with them and examined each present with childlike glee, as if it was given to them instead of the child. There was no cat or dog left without a stocking filled with gifts. All of these scenarios were unfolding next to a glorious Christmas tree watching over the family scene, while logs burned in the fire place and the love was so real you could actually touch it. Then there was the food: roast beef, mashed potatoes and gravy, vegetables and salad, on Christmas eve. The Christmas ham was cooked for much of the day and was succulent and satisfying. Scalloped potatoes, salad and vegetables graced a beautifully decorated table with a small tree presiding over the corner of the dining room. Dessert, pumpkin pie, will not be mentioned! Of course it all went to my hips and thighs…sigh.

Somewhere in all this love and confusion came the moment when my niece was told she was the “world’s best grandmother;” and her husband, “the best grandfather” in the world, or at least their world. Since my family is somewhat distant and hostile, at least part of it is, this left me wondering just what I did right or maybe wrong. First of all, I never wanted to be the traditional grandmother. I wanted to define that role for myself, quite apart from what my mother and society thought it should be. I am not quite a boomer and was born pre-boomer by a few years, only. So, I have identified with them and they keep joining me (age wise) at an alarming rate. I think they too have tried to redefine grandparenthood, especially because of the changing family structures and blended families and court decisions.

I have not let my hair go gray and I keep exercising in order to remain active. I am hoping to start a career of teaching on line and I am in college to accomplish that dream. I do not dress like my mother did; nor do I think like she did, although she was a progressive thinker for her time. She flew in her seventies, dressed like women slightly younger than herself and was a pre-feminist thinker and worked until she was 69. My mother dyed her hair a respectable color until she was close to eighty and travelled by airplane or train, when she could, to meet with her grandchildren when it was too far to drive. Yes, she was a modern grandmother and redefined her role as a grandmother outside of the guidelines of her generation. She was in essence ahead of her time. As for me, I am not certain where I fit in all this.

It seems given all this history, I went wrong somewhere. Some of my grandchildren do not know me. My values clashed with the values of some of my children and sometimes society; but especially the conservative elements in the Catholic Church at that point in time. Like many grandparents today, my children punished me for all the perceived mistakes I made by keeping my grandchildren from me. There is nothing as painful as having grandchildren and not being able to have contact with them. Even worse is the punishment of having no grandparental rights. Thus some of my grandchildren may never know me and believe me to be a terrible mother and grandmother. Of course this hurts the most and it was suppose to, since it was my punishment for not conforming to their standards and ideas of what I “should be or have been.” I did not teach them this point of view.

Grandparents do not have rights and in fact unless you have a history of a relationship with your grandchildren, you are seldom allowed to override the parents’ wishes on the matter. Much of the family history dies with the grandparents and the unconditional love grandparents give are denied to many children in the United States. The courts do not recognize the rights of a grandparent; and this message is being given to thousands and thousands of younger people who must grow up never knowing them and hearing their side of the story. Sadly this position towards grandparental rights may have consequences far beyond what we understand today. This may be one of the undesirable effects of nuclear families, blended families and divorced parents and deceased parents due to war losses. The only real victims are the American children distanced from the unconditional love and care grandparents give them.

There was a fairly happy ending to my story. My ex-son-in-law gave me permission to speak with my granddaughter and grandson this year 2010. I found my granddaughter on line and even though her mother, my oldest daughter, did not want the contact she is not the custodial parent. My grandchildren’s father stated his parents rejected his children and would not see or meet with them. He wanted them to know their maternal grandmother. But most of all, my 17 year old granddaughter wanted me to get to know her and her brother, after 17 years apart. My Christmas message to all grandparents suffering the alienation of their grandchildren this Christmas is things change, so never give up! If a higher power exists, the immutable can be changed. The U.S. Supreme Court doesn’t have power over that power.



To my grandchildren who have been alienated from me, I send this message both about my love for your mother and my love for you. Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is child abuse as is grandparental alienation syndrome.